thealternative
As a social, almost-twenty year old woman in college, it is nearly impossible not to be involved in breakfast table conversations about the previous night's hookups, especially when they dominate the social scene on campus.
However often I've participated in these conversations, I believe they encourage a culture on campus that devalues character and personality and puts a large emphasis on numbers—number of partners, number of places, number of times, number of ways.
Friends and advocates for the hook up culture have mentioned that these numbers and conquests reflect what is incredible about being a young woman in this day and age - "confidence, freedom, the knowledge that you can always depend on yourself".
I'd have to disagree.
Throughout high school and college, I've come to define and identify myself through the ideals and passions I value highly. These ideals and passions are a product of my character, of the obstacles and challenges I have overcome, and of the people who have impacted my life and its views. The culmination of these experiences serves as the strong foundation upon which I have and can continue to grow and mature into my own self. This is what gives me confidence. This is what gives me freedom. If things begin to fall apart, I can let them crumble and know that the sturdy foundation of my experiences will still remain as a base for rebuilding. This is what empowers me to take chances - not the numbers of boys, of places, of ways from the previous night.
I will be the first to admit I have experience in "numbers". My numbers are rather low, but they're high enough for me to know that the hook up culture isn't something I want to participate in or encourage.
Perhaps I'm different than everybody else, but I feel as if there is something inherently intimate about hooking up. When I kiss someone's lips, I'm close enough to see the small scar underneath his eyebrow that has a childhood anecdote behind it, waiting to be told.
For me, I can't be this close to someone without wanting to know more about them – their history, their interests, their passions, not solely more about their body. When you spend the night with someone else, sleep next to them, hear them breathing, feel their fingertips trace along your bare skin, you share an intimate and vulnerable moment.
Yes, this intimacy and physical closeness provide an in-the-moment thrill and pleasure - however, I believe there is so much more to sexual chemistry than just the physical.
The best piece of sex advice I've ever received was from an adult family friend, who, in her thick Russian accent, revealed to me that "Sex is always better when you have passion for the man. Passion. True love."
I've come to learn that this means knowing your partner's wants and desires beyond his or her sexual nature - and in order to reach this level, you must share with each other who you are and how you got there. The hook-up culture, irregardless of the definition of "hook up", devalues this foundation and culmination of personal experiences, of history, of interests, and of identity. There is immense pressure in the hook up culture to not care about the partner - to treat the partner as an object of sexual pleasure rather than as a human.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I cannot prevent myself from caring about others, from wanting to know more about a person beyond his body. And if staying true to myself and my propensity to care excludes me from enjoying the hook up culture, then that is a sacrifice I'm certainly willing to take.