thealternative
The hookup culture isn’t supposed to be emotional... Isn’t that the whole point?
You go out, you find someone that finds you attractive– maybe you know them, maybe you don’t; maybe this is a regular thing, maybe this will be the first and last time– and you hookup. Maybe you dance floor make out, go home together, sleep together, or just fool around.
At brunch the next morning you and your friends laugh about your conquest and you’re either applauded for finding someone as beautiful as you did, or mocked for letting your drunkenness influence your standards. Then you laugh it off, and move on to the next story. After all, there’s nothing more to talk about. It’s not like this experience had anything to do with your emotions, right?
Of course it did.
It Works in the Movies... Or Does It?
Remember the movie “No Strings Attached” where Adam (Ashton Kutcher) and Emma (Natalie Portman) make a pact to have casual “emotionless” sex? At first their casual stance works great for both; Emma can focus on her career instead of allowing her emotions to dictate her decisions, and Adam can play the field without fear of hurting her feelings. Over time, though, a peculiar thing happens -- Adam begins to develop feelings for Emma that he never had for any of his countless conquests. Before they both know it, their purely physical relationship stirred up more emotion than they had ever intended.
Or how about Cameron Crowe’s Vanilla Sky? The characters played by Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise have a casual sex fling with (seemingly) no strings attached. Yet after the fling ends and he begins pursuing another woman, she angrily asks him: “Don’t you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not?”
That’s what happens when we hook up. Strings get attached between minds, bodies hearts and souls whether we want them to or not. Our bodies make promises we don’t even realize we’re making, and at some point, somebody's emotions—whether ours or those of the people with whom we have hooked up—are going to pay the price.
More Than Harmless Fun
We can lie to ourselves and say it was purely physical, purely fun, or purely harmless, but deep inside we know better. One Princeton student shares about the emotional turmoil she experienced when her own “casual repeat hookup arrangement” suddenly ended:
“I’m told that some girls are able to navigate the stormy waters of Princeton’s ‘hookup scene’ without the emotional rollercoaster, but I’m in my third year here and I’ve yet to see it play out in any girl’s favor, including mine.” (Anonymous Writer, Love and Lust in the Bubble: Nearing Nice, The Daily Princetonian, November 29th, 2012)
That is an anecdotal story, but there is science to back it up. Dannah Gresh, author and special reporter for CNN, says, “Casual sex is happening. We shouldn’t ignore it…But when we talk about it, we should use science. There’s nothing biologically brief about a hookup.”
There are scientifically proven bonding chemicals that are released during sexual activity. Two of them are dopamine and oxytocin, the ones that make you feel good and wanting more. In other words, they attach you emotionally to the source of pleasure whether you want to be attached or not.
The only other time as much oxytocin is released is when a mother is breastfeeding her baby. The mother feels the chemical’s release and is bonded to her child, and the baby’s brain learns for the first time to enter into relationship by connection. The chemical’s job? To bond us for life.
The bottom line of sexual hook-ups is this: you get “addicted” and biologically “bonded” to the people with whom you have sex or sexual encounters, even if they are “just friends.” This causes withdrawal symptoms in the emotional center of the brain when the object of connection is no longer there.
Is This All There Is?
It makes sense then why many engaging in Princeton’s sex culture struggle to enjoy the hook-up lifestyle long term—we were never made for such brief and meaningless connections. In a recent study conducted on the Hook-Up Culture at Princeton, Dr. Miriam Grossman’s research shows:
- • 91% of girls admit to having feelings of regret after a hook-up, at least occasionally. Guilt and “feeling used” are also commonly cited over all (5)
- • 80% of girls wished the hook-up never happened (6)
- • As the number of casual sex partners increases, so do signs of depression in college women (7)
A 2003 study from the conservative Heritage Foundation confirms these findings:
- • 25.3% of sexually active teenage girls experienced depression, compared to 7.7% of sexually abstinent girls.
- • And14.3% of sexually active girls attempted suicide, compared to 5.1% of their virgin peers.
Yikes. But females aren’t the only ones experiencing the emotional roller coaster. Preeminent sociologist and college professor, Donna Freitas, comments how the negative impact of the hook-up culture can be just as harmful for men too: “There is a frequent disconnect between what students want and what they get, leading to a negative emotional toll for actors involved in the hook-up culture.”
Overall, the proof is in the pudding: the best research shows that most students tend to experience negative emotional consequences and blame themselves for the dissatisfaction instead of recognizing it as inherent in the hook-up culture (Heldman, Caroline and Wade, Lisa. “Hook-up Culture: Setting a New Research Agenda” Sexuality Research and Social Policy. December 2010, Volume 7, Issue 4. Pp. 323-333).
Join us at the Alternative, as we turn away from the prevailing sex culture to create a healthier relational scene that leads to more positive emotional outcomes.